Unadulterated Loathing

i am so stressed right now. 

so everyone knows that i had butt surgery like three weeks ago today.

and for three weeks i have been in pain 24/7.

i hate taking my pain meds because they make me sleep. all the time. and that makes me feel lazy because im used to running around all the time and never sitting down. 

so when i try to do something (bend over, carry something not at all heavy, sit, lay down) i am in pain that feels like someone is sticking a knife in my butt crack.

but i do it anyways or i feel reaaaally lazy.

but now that it has been a while my dad just expects me to get outside and go work with my animals like nothing ever happened. and i dont think that he realizes that i still have sutures in my butt that can still be ripped out if i do too much. and its not that i dont want to get out there and do stuff, because believe me, i do. i just cant. 

and that leads me to my next point.

i CANT get out there and work with my calves or sheep and that is worrying me a ton.

i mean lois gets out there in the mornings and she works with the sheep a little but it just doesnt seem like it is long enough to do anything to them. and i cant blame her because i hated it when she wasnt here to work with the sheep and i had to do all five of them by myself. and melanie only helps if you ask and when you do ask it seems like it is a bother to her. 

and the calves. ugh. the calves. i dont even know where to start. 

they all weigh like one thousand pounds. one THOUSAND. and it hurts for my to pick up a forty pound bucket. how am i supposed to corral a crazy one thousand pound animal that is jumping around and being nuts because i didnt get them worked before with graduation and all that stuff going on i was so fracking busy. and i dont have a dad that is just going to get out there and break my animals. no i have to do it pretty much on my own. and im so afraid that they arent going to be broke by the fair and i wont be able to show them and i wont get enough money from them and i wont be able to pay the bank back because i had to borrow a whole lot because i had to pay for hay that didnt even go to my calves. and yeah if you cant tell by that run on sentence, i am cryin.

and on top of this my parents are bitch me out about anything and everything. even shit that lois or melanie do and i get yelled at. seriously. im sorry that i had to have surgery that you KNEW would incapacitate me for atleast a month.

what happens if i go to the doctor tomorrow and he says i cant get my sutures out yet so i still cant do anything. dad was banking on walking the calves when we get back from omaha on sunday. ugh.

and when i mention to aaron that i need his help breaking my calves he just laughs and is like "nope" like im kidding or something when im totally NOT!!!!.

yeah stress. i thought it would be over when school was done. i thought i could have one nice summer before i have to start a new chapter of my life. guess not.

peace and love and hating of my life.

al. 

Samsung Computer

This blog is from a few days ago because my wifi was being uncooperative then....

Hey guys. i havent blogged in forever. i just realized that today.

i have been feeling kinda sad lately. i dont really know why but i just want to cry like all the time. 

it could be that all the guys i like either like another girl or are totally oblivious to me. or both. 

it could also be that i am really starting to feel fat again. i used to be kinda ok with my body but lately i just feel like a whale. like next year i wont be able to make any friends because all they will see is me. fat me.

it could also be that im stuck in this frickin house because of this gay ass surgery. no pun inteded. and i cant swim or go out to see my animals or even barely bend over because i might break a stitch. and im in pain CONSTANTLY. 

it could be the fact that im going off to college this fall and wont be able to see you guys much and the summer was when we were supposed to all hang out but yet we arent. we are all sitting around alone. or whatever. you know what i mean.

it could also be that i miss my brother. Carrie, i do feel bad that you cant see your brother for a while but atleast that isnt his choice. if it were up to him, he would have been at graduation and your party. i hate the fact that Andy chose not to go to either of those things. i hate the fact that they had a baby shower last weekend and i wasnt invited. i hate it that he is living his life happily and i am stuck moarning a missing brother. i hate the fact that he sent me a gift card to this Amway thing and no card. no "congrats, al. still love you"

yeah. and that isnt even all of it. so the next time someone asks me "whats wrong, alex?" and i say "i'm tired", im lying. because i am just sad. thats all. sad. 

yup sorry for the negativeness but thats all i got right now.

looking forward to a good day in Fort Dodge tomorrow with Lois.

peace and love and sadness.

al.