no title tonight.

i just read matthew's blog. i dont understand him. i just dont get it. i mean if you hate hangin out with us so bad why do it? why do you always plan things with a bunch of people around when you dont want to be with us??? and of course our friemly is disfunctional. what family isnt?? and why do we fake being friends so much when we "hate" eachother? well thats because we dont hate eachother at all. we love eachother and we dont want to lose anyone. so we pretend to be nice. its a cycle but you wouldnt know that because when you were out being alone in college we continued on with life. this is what we do. we dont get along for a little bit, it all builds up, boils over, and then we talk about it and its back to normal. thats just what we do. thats what we have been doing for ever. and how is it our fault that you were alone at college. its college. that is when you grow up and move on with your life. YOU ARENT IN HIGHSCHOOL ANYMORE. i thought that was what you wanted when you went off to college. to grow up. what were we supposed to do when you were eating meals alone? leave our lives and drive 3 hours up to you so we can eat lunch with you? im sorry but i do have a life. it isnt our fault that you cant make friends. i think you just need someone to blame your nonsocial skills on. you cant hold us accountable for something that we have no control over.

but you know the real kicker? we have changed. that isnt supposed to be a bad thing. people grow up and change. that is what life is about. we have changed. why is that a bad thing? are we supposed to stand still while you are gone and make sure that our lives dont move at all until you come back so then we can be the exact people that you knew when you left? no. we go through things that change us. everything has an impact on people. you cant blame us for that. life is full of changes. maybe you just arent mature enough to realize that.

have a good time in Arkansas. if im one of the ones that its goodbye. id just like to say that im sorry i couldnt hold up to your standards. i know that in my heart im right with God and thats none of your business what my relationship is with my God. good for you that you are putting him first. thats a good decision but dont make him your out. and i love you.

well now that that is over... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

i had a pretty awesome day. i got some pretty awesome stuff. i got a wookie hat and a kindle touch! i got this ninja thing that is a blender and some picture frames. and i went up to see baby Collin in the hospital because he isnt doing the greatest. its sad. and i got to see gary and devin. and now im at my sissy's house just hanging out. im hopin i can stay up here tomorrow night to becuase i dont spend enough time up here, and i dont really have anything else to do.:) and i like it up here. except when she doesnt wanna watch monk!!!! i know you are reading this Andrea Michelle!!!:)) you piece of poo!!

i love my family
peace and love.
al.

hippster hats

i dont really know whats up with the title. el oh el..

so im at carries with my friemly. if you dont know what that means, we are all so close as friends we are pretty much family. we are having a grand old time. we played banana grams and watched movies and made fudge and other candies. erick is eating cheezwiz at the moment. there are 6 of us on laptops and matthew is on his ipad.

so who else is super excited for christmas, cuz this girl sure is!!

you know what one of my favorite things about christmas is sleeping with my sister. not like in a im from melcher way, like we actually sleep. well she tries to and i just sit there and watch her and she hates it!! and it always make me laugh! i love my sissy so much. she is upset with me right now cuz i hadnt mentioned her yet. and i really hadnt noticed but i am always thinking of her! i love her sooo much! she is like one of my favorite people in the world. she is one person that i can call or text at any time and i know she will respond.

and when i get married she is gonna be my maid of honor. even if i dont have any other bride's maids. she is gonna be it. she is my sissy. my sissybear. and we are gonna get matching tattoos. nothing says i love you like putting it on you for the rest of your life. and thats what im gonna do.

speaking of tattoos. im gonna be getting that one in 2 months and 20 days!!!!!!! woooooot.!

anyyhoo. i dont have anything else to talk about. oh besides that andy is having a baby. and i dont really care. and im done talking about him on here.

merry christmas
peace and love.
al.

what do you say in taking chances?

hey yall!!!

guess what! it be my last day in computer app!!! woot woot. can i get a friggin round of applause please?

hee hee. im in a good mood. i just raped like 2 semster tests already and its not even noon!! speaking of raping test IM READY FOR THE ACT TO COME BACK!! baa!!

so this christmas break better be a freaking leggit one! im gonna hang out with so many friends! im gonna give and get some ballin presents! and im just gonna have a shit ton of fun! woop there it is.

and i get to spend this christmas with my brohan Gary. im super stoked about that. he has really done a 180 these past few years. he cares about me and his family and we talk and hang out and he has the CUTEST kid ever. even cuter than Scotty!! HAHA CARRIE!! YEA I SAID IT!! :P but anyhoo. im kinda down that i wont be seeing andy this christmas and im pretty sure i already said that yesterday but its just something thats going to be hard for me to get over. but anyhoo back to gary. he is just super awesome and he makes me laugh and he just CARES! and thats all i ask for. i dont want a whole bunch of attention. i dont want gifts for christmas or my birthday. i just want a call. just to let me know that he does care about me and how im doing.

because thats all i do. i care.

about everyone.

even when i shouldnt.

even when everyone else gives up hope, here i am giving a damn.

like with lois and austin. i dont know why i care so much. i know that she is always gonna be obsessed with him and she probably wont ever get over him but i care about her and i care that she is hurting herself and he is being a dumb ass stringing her along and i care about the whole stupid situation and i dont know why.

or i still care and love Andy even though he probably doesnt even miss me or think about me. i still worry that he isnt happy and i care if he is having a good life or not and i just plain ol' care about him. and that is just irrational.

sorry im goin on and on about nothin but i just need to get this outa my system and i feel like i cant really talk to anyone about it. cuz if i talk to mel about it she will somehow get the conversation to how bad her life is and junk and if i say anything to lois, austin will be brought in and if say anything to jen she will call me a two faced skank again. hmph......

i miss the old days.

when the only problems we had were whose house are we gonna hang at.

or how are we gonna get a ride somewhere.

now we have all this stupid drama shit.

and its dumb.

life sucks.

thats what im gonna tell my kids.

life sucks and you are going to be unhappy a lot so you must find the people in the world that make you happy and you have to make them happy too because their life is gonna suck just as much as yours but just in different ways. im going to say, dont let anything get to you. you are my child and you are strong and confident. even if you arent, fake it. when life throws stones, heat them up and cook a pizza on it. rely on friends. they will get you through some tough shit and make you laugh on top of it, especially when you dont want to. hang out with them when you want to be alone. and listen to them when it comes to relationships, because generally, they know you better than you do and they know what is good for you. if something is wrong, they will know it so dont lie to them and say nothing. that is insulting. and ALWAYS hug them and tell them how you feel. tell them you love them and need them, and appreciate them, because you never know how long you have with a friend and having words left unsaid is the worst feeling in the world.

im gonna be a good mommy :)

peace and love. and merry christmas
al.

2 more days!!

so i wont be able to blog much in two days. im gonna be outa this class!!!!! woot woot. just semester test is the only thing between me and christmas break:)

right now im sick. i just got sick randomly last night. now my nose is either running or stopped up and my throat hurts!:( and i have a headache. poor me lol.

well idk know what else to write about. ohh yea. madeline came up to me today and was all like, i dont wanna fight anymore and so on and i was like yeah i agree but idk. she said some pretty harsh things and so did i. i dont know if i can just hug that off. like now that i know what she thinks of me and i dont know if i can deal with that. maybe ill talk to her later and tell her my doubts. because she is a good friend. she has helped my through some rough stuff. but i dont know. i dont wanna not be friends but now that i know the truth i just have doubts.

im hungry. hungry. hungry. bah! im super ready for connections. then i can just munch munch munch:)

im kinda not looking forward to christmas in a way. i havent talked to or seen andy at all this year. this is going to the first christmas i havent shared with andy. i miss him. a lot. we used to be best friends pretty much. he was more a friend than a brother. we would go outside and throw the football and talk about things. i miss that. he would call me Buddy and i would call him Andyroo. those were the good ole days. when he wasnt married and he lived at home and we would make radio broadcasts late at night. i remember when he would wake up early to push play on those so those would be the first thing i heard in the morning. and all he knew how to make was frozen pizza and grilled cheese. he came to all of my events and cheer for me the loudest. now its hard to even call him a brother. i dont know who he is anymore.

but thats ok because i have aaron. he is the best big brother ever!! he comes to everything that i do. he shows up at the house randomly just to hang out and watch tv with me. he loves me and he shows it. and i love him too! hes been here for everything. my first car, my sweet 16, my first deer. and hell be here for everything else. i hope he doesnt find a girl because im the only girl in his life that he needs to spoil:)

peace and love
al.

im dreaming of a white christmas

5 months until we graduate!!! thats like 90 school days! oh man. i might not actually miss this place with all of the stupid as fuck teachers that give people an hour of detention for saying ass?? yea well i bet its not the first time youve heard that let alone used it!!! hypocrites. but i will miss my friends here. we all are going to go our seperate ways and not gonna see eachother again. thats sad. im sure ill write on their walls a few times and say i miss you we need to hang out and they will say yea we do and nothing will change. we are all going to make ourselves leaving the ones who made us who we are now behind. i think that people need to remember where they came from. there is a reason you are the way you are today and most of that reason is because this school and the people in it. you wouldnt be half the person you would be if you didnt have the friends, teams, coaches, teachers, or the lunch ladies that you did here at the good ole dubb. i know ill miss it here. even tho i can go on ranting about how much this place sucks and i hate it here, but really love it. i grew up here. i love everyone here with few exeptions. this is pretty much my second home. i spend more time here than at home most days and i know personally that this is 0ne place that i will remember and tell my grandkids about one day.

no lies, im proud to be a hick. im proud to have a class of 30. im proud to go to a school that isnt even the size of one block.

im proud to be a warhawk. and yall should be too.

peace and love
al.

computer app sucks ass tits

im really hating this class. im so ready for these four days to be done with so i can be out of here and on to my college anatomy. IM SO FREAKING STOKED FOR THAT CLASS!!


so cassidy's birthday is tomorrow and im going to indianola to get her present after school and my chiropractor appointment. im really glad to finally go get my back corrected because it has been bothering me ever since we played chicken at state trap on june 3rd. thats like forever ago.

so today is the 15th. 3 months and 2 days until i am 18 and LEAVE FOR NEW YORK!!!!! im so superduper excited! i shall be getting a tat and then on to a 20 hr bus ride. and 5 days is the big city. im kinda nervous because i havent ever been out of the midwest. the farthest east i have ever gone is indiana, so im pretty sure im going to go into culture shock or something. we are seeing wicked on broadway and that is gonna be freaking sweeeeeeeeet!!!!! im just excited to like walk around NYC. and go to ellis island and all that junk. and my trip is all paid off and so that means im g0ing for real. theres no "well maybe, if i do enough fundraising" or "well.... we just dont have enough money for you to go, al" nope. none of that. i am going to new york 100% sure! and that is freaking awesome!

hmm i dont really know what else to talk about. well im starting to get really stressed about physics. im not sure if im going to pass the quarter and that is really bad. i mean i have speech in january and i HAVE to be elligible! i have to be! and i might not be and that scares me. i really am trying to understand it and get everything done but i was so far behind that its getting really close. if i do pass its going to be by the skin of my ass. and that isnt good. i dont want to let my speechers or Mrs. Krug down. i feel like a failure already because mrs krug couldnt count on me to be in the play last year and that really made me sad. i was elligible last year when that was done and thats what made it worse. and the semester test in there is going to be sketchy. cuz there was stuff i didnt understand in the middle of the year and its going to be on that and im goint to fail at that part and i have to pass the test to pass the semester. if i dont pass the semester there is no way in hell i can be in speech cuz then im out for a whole quarter. that would not be good at all. i would die.

i really want mrs jackson from my college to come down and see me and lois perform at speech so she can see how good at acting we are. wouldnt that be freaking awesome! yah!! woot woot.

well thats all for today
peace and love
al.

cassidarr is a doooouuuuche:)

so i had this nice long fight with madeline last night and its kinda entertaining coming to school with people coming up to me and high-fiving me and sayin "im on your side". makes me feel awesome. i didnt even say anything that wasnt true. she did. i dont think that im better than anyone else. i just speak my opinion a lot. is that such a bad thing?

i think no.

so.. yea i feel like being really artistic lately but i cant write any poems. my writing ability is broke. its kinda sad. but i wanna draw but i dont know what to draw.. hmm. decisions..

well thats all today

peace and love
al.